


Arigatou

by Mother_North



Series: Misc. [8]
Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: ACI 2019, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Competition, Feelings Realization, First Kiss, Light Angst, M/M, Psychology, Sports
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-15
Updated: 2020-01-15
Packaged: 2021-02-27 16:01:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,694
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22269838
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mother_North/pseuds/Mother_North
Summary: ACI 2019 through Javier’s eyes.
Relationships: Javier Fernández/Yuzuru Hanyu
Series: Misc. [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1202821
Comments: 6
Kudos: 46





	Arigatou

**Author's Note:**

> RPF disclaimer: this is a work of fiction and it is not meant to offend anyone. It is a product of author’s imagination only. All thoughts, actions and emotions described below have nothing to do with reality.

~~

Javi is frowning. There are dark shadows under his tired eyes and his whole body feels leaden after a long flight. He took a cab to Oakville from the airport immediately upon landing, directly to the ice arena, so that he would finally have an opportunity to see _him_.

Cosy streets, provincial prosperity and the first distinct breath of autumn in the air. It often seemed that even time moved along slower in the country of a maple leaf, unlike Javier’s beloved native city of Madrid, where life burst into bright colours, tastes, sensations in a never-ending celebration of a hedonistic principle.

He will have a fortunate chance to turn back the clock in the upcoming fortnight, returning to a city where he has spent the significant part of his life and sportive career. At times, Javier used to think that he would forever be unable to turn back this page of his life once and for all.

To step onto the Toronto Cricket Club ice to choreograph new programs, inhaling its cold and crisp air, casting a glance at the gilded nameplates of Olympic medalists on the wall, his own name proudly on display. It cost him tears, sweat and immense efforts.

In there he could truly be his real self. On the very ice he used to share with _him_.

The stands are jammed with thousands of people even during open practice but Javi doesn’t find it surprising in the slightest. David W. taps his shoulder, smiling and winking good-naturedly, as if saying: “There’s a two-time Olys champ in da house! What else is there to expect?”

Javi immediately notices _him_ from afar. The mop of his pitch-black hair ( _he_ is sporting a nostalgic “mushroom” haircut straight from his childhood days), his equally black sports suit and his tiny pale face. It seems to Javier that _he_ is still a boy, looking almost like the first time he has seen him. He catches himself thinking that Yuzuru’s radiant smile hasn’t changed that much – rising sun above the horizon of his motherland.

There’s a broad smile plastered on Javier’s face and he can hear numerous clicks of photo cameras shutters, as he is approaching his former training partner. There are a lot of people around the two of them, aiming to get a piece of Yuzuru, but his hug is reserved for Javier only. Yuzuru embraces him curtly, his thin arms snaking around Javier’s lean torso, as he is staring into the painfully familiar features: snow-white skin and delirious glitter of the dark orbs.

He knows this particular gaze so well – unreadable, as cunning as a fox, barely concealed raw intensity hidden in its depths. It means that Yuzuru is hungry for victories, hungry for the exhilarating rush of a competition ( _an adrenaline junkie?)_ and for the incomparable joy of overcoming oneself on the road to perfection.

Javier felt a bit uneasy, seeing Yuzuru like this: burning from within, ready to turn himself to ashes. He longed to squeeze this seemingly fragile body in his arms, pressing it to his chest in a pull of irrational and powerful attraction, mess his hair at the back of his head carelessly, as if there was still _that boy_ right now in front of him – _that same boy_ with his atrocious English and crazy dreams, which he somehow managed to realize in the most unexpected of ways and despite of everything.

Brian shakes his hand firmly, looking at Javier’s wistful countenance with a penetrating gaze. Yuzuru is already running again, being held hostage to the various obligations of his, interviewers demanding his attention, strictly planned day, some rest scheduled only while sleep.

 _He_ has his goals set. _He_ is marching towards them determined and unflinching, willing to make sacrifices, if needed.

After checking into a previously booked hotel, Javier calls Marina to inform her that he has landed safely and that he is doing fine.

He is to see Yuzuru perform on the following day.

Sleep refuses to come to Javier that night till the early hours of the dawn, when he finally falls into a restless dreamless slumber.

~~

Javier choses to watch Yuzuru from the last row of the stands, his eyes following incessantly the svelte figure on the ice. Surprisingly, zero associations with autumn come to his mind; _Otoñal_ is something entirely different, something incomprehensibly _more_.

It’s Yuzuru’s personal ode to his beloved ice and its scarred surface which means world to him.

Javier’s heart skips a beat at Yuzuru’s quad salchow fall. He can’t remember when the last time he had seen such crash from Yuzuru occurred – down off the cliff, against the hard ground, but the next second he recovers, flying further to the accompaniment of reverberating piano sounds. The melody is holding such unspoken despair and unquenchable hope, such powerful drive not to let the past swallow you up. There’s also a tint of mourning over something long lost and Javier’s throat constricts. 

Yuzuru is telling a story with his body, the way only he can – each perfected move of his possessing a particle of his soul to pour on the ice.

Of course, Yuzuru is extremely _kuyashii_ over the skate, upset over a mistake made at Javier’s favourite jump. But Javier is deeply impressed nevertheless, thinking that Yuzuru is still beautiful, his chest swelling with thrill.

Later that night, Javier finds himself standing at the door of Yuzuru’s hotel room, his legs seemingly bringing him there on their own accord. Yumi-san opens the door, staring back at him genuinely surprised, although after the initial confusion a warm smile appears on her face.

It seems that at a certain point a realization of the fact that Javier simply couldn’t _not_ to come has dawned upon her. Javier had to see her son privately, in the growing dusk of an autumn evening, illuminated by the golden light of a bedside lamp.

_One on one._

“I apologize for disturbing you, Yumi-san! My visit won’t take long, I promise! I just wanted to share some of my thoughts with Yuzu. I know he follows his daily routine very strictly and I sincerely hope that I won’t interfere with it badly but…”

Yumi-san takes a step to the side, silently letting Javier into the spacious apartment. Yuzuru appears at the doorway of his bedroom in no time, blinking at him in confusion. Javier smiles at him a bit awkwardly and he is relieved to see that Yuzuru returns the smile, as it is ghosting over his delicate features. He leads Javier into his room and after the door closes behind them, they are alone at long last.

The light in the room is subdued and Yuzuru seems glowing from the inside, looking incredibly youthful and pure. Javier’s trail of thought interrupts, the words he was going to tell vanishing into non-existence, as he mutters without thinking:

“You were stunning today.” 

He is completely sincere, he does think so.

Yuzuru winces at the praise, obviously distressed. He is shaking his head disagreeing, eyes glued to the floor.

“No, it’s not true! I did awful! Your quad salchow betrayed me again! The way it did in Saitama,” Yuzuru’s shoulders are visibly tensed and there’s a deep furrow between his brows. “I was sure that I wouldn’t make this mistake again! I calculated all variants, Javi! I had the vision of an ideal jump in my mind: its entry, its axis, its landing…”

Javier makes a step towards him.

“Not everything is within your power, Yuzu! Your main problem is overthinking, as usual,” Javier is trying to speak as softly as possible. “Less theory and more trust in your body reflexes. Your muscle memory has been building over decades of rigorous training and…You can do literally anything! You know it yourself… Trust your natural instincts! It’s in your blood! You always had it in you and no one can take it away!”

Yuzuru’s lips are a thin line as he shoots a steely glance at Javier, his chin held up high. His eyes are brimming with tears but he doesn’t let them spill.

“I’ll do better tomorrow! I swear!”

Javier inhales sharply, his arms ending around Yuzuru’s slender neck, fingers moving to gently rub at his favourite spot at the young man’s nape. Their foreheads are touching and the distance between their faces is reduced to a bare minimum.

“Jesus, Yuzu, just let yourself go…Let yourself go… Do you hear me?!”

Javier shudders at the sensation of Yuzuru’s hot breath against the sensitive skin of his neck. He is keenly aware of Yuzuru’s heartbeat, as that of a trapped little bird – painfully fast, thumping against his ribcage in a wild staccato. Unthinkingly and unable to fight an overwhelming desire, Javier kisses Yuzuru’s smooth cheek, letting his wet mouth slide towards the soft chin and then to the corner of his inviting lips.

_Almond and vanilla, bitterness and sweetness._

Yuzuru is frozen, momentarily stilled and completely unresponsive in his embrace. He is breaking Javier’s hold after a couple of torturously long moments, his breathing hitched and eyes stubbornly avoiding Javier’s searching gaze.

“I think it is better for you to leave, Javi! Tomorrow is a very important day and I need to sleep…I am sorry.”

Yuzuru is staring at the wall and his voice is barely above whisper.

“Please, Javi, just leave.”

Many unsaid things are hanging in the air, oppressing and weighing on the two of them. Javier can’t quite grasp the enormity of his own action, of a sudden impulse, of an alerting slip of self-control.

He didn’t have the right to do what he has done but there’s treacherous warmth spilling inside, his mind wrapped in a pleasant haze, conscience numb. He is slightly unhinged.

Finally, Javier finds his voice to speak again:

“You are absolutely right, as always, Yuzu! Good luck for tomorrow!”

A faint and bitter smile dies on Javier’s lips, as he is leaving without looking back.

Even once.

~~

Javier wakes up very early. He can’t sleep because of the nervousness. He makes a cup of robust coffee, its strong aroma pleasantly tickling his nostrils. He throws away Marina’s pack of cigarettes, convincing himself that smoking is not the brightest of solutions.

Hours remaining before the Men’s Free are dragging on and on. Javier decides not to go to the open practice. He realizes that it is difficult for him to look at Yuzuru in the same way he used to. There’s a profound and an inevitable change in their relationship, caused by his impulsive action and it is still hard to make a perfect sense out of it.

Javier’s thoughts are running amok, as if he is struggling to get a grasp of something truly important but keeps on failing miserably. There’s something important that has been existing between them throughout all these years and he is very close to finally catching up with it, yet, on the other hand, there is a complete denial, which is way easier to deal with.

Javier feels torn.

“What the heck do you think you are doing, Javier?! You have to be bonkers! You do want him, don’t you?”

_Oh and he does, he really does._

Javier feels a sensible chill and there’s a bitter lump of bile in his mouth.

He is in a daze on his way to the ice arena. He hardly registers buzz of anticipation all around him, the air itself polarized and sparkling, as if in anticipation of a miracle.

Javier takes a seat, fingers prickling with excitement. He is recognized, curious glances thrown at him by figure skating fans from all sides.

“They are expecting you to perform miracles again, Yuzu. They got used to it so quickly. But you are paying a high price for this ability of yours: pain, tears, sweat, blood… Shattering obstacles, your body screaming in agony – vulnerable and sensitive to the point of breaking down…I have seen a lot while training at your side…My hand is yours to take when you fall. I brushed away your tears; I made you laugh at my silly jokes, their meaning sometimes eluding you…You pouted cutely like a spoiled little brat… You ran away…Only to return and seek me out later, clinging to me desperately, demanding my hands around your waist and my warmth against your body…You trusted me completely and we were so close… It took my breath away, Yuzu…”

Javier would have never guessed that watching from stands could be this nerve-wrecking. He hated the feeling of helplessness, unable to influence anything happening on the ice during a competition he was not a part of.

_“How is he?”_

A brief message is sent to Brian.

_“He is OK. Preparing to skate. Into his ordinary routine. You know him.”_

It’s getting easier to breathe. Javier trusts his former coach and his judgement. Besides, he wants it to be true really badly.

The moment Yuzuru gets on the ice, there’s a wave of loud applause and cheering and when he takes off his white training jacket, Javier is afraid he might go deaf. Not that he can’t relate to a fanatical, super excited bunch of screaming girls ( _to a certain extent_ ) himself.

Satomi has exceeded herself this time: rich purple, violaceous and crimson, decorated with whimsical ornaments of golden and silver embroidery. It reminds Javier of deep shades of a summer sky at nightfall. The costume accentuates Yuzuru’s sinful curves, clinging to his body like a second skin, exquisite flowers designed to bloom on its fabric, exotic butterflies spreading their transparent wings on the slender back, making it impossible to look away.

Air catches in Javier’s throat. Yuzuru looks regal and enigmatic.

Quad loop – step out, quad salchow – step out, yet Yuzuru manages to stay on his feet, the toe pick of his skating boot digging into the smooth surface of the ice, not giving up a fight for a second.

Javier is clenching his jaw hard, short nails digging into the sweaty skin of his palms.

“C’mon, Yuzu! C’mon! Dammit!”

Yuzuru is looking like a _sylph_ – ethereal and otherworldly; a firefly in the enchanted woods, each movement of his gracious arms reminding of fairy wings. Music is vibrating through cells of his body, as he lets the violin guide him. The choreography is nuanced and he is organic in it – imitating a motion of a fiddlestick, shooting an invisible arrow.

_Creation and destruction, life and death._

Javier has to blink away tears during the final spin. Yuzuru is breathing hard, his exhausted face glowing and Javier can’t take his eyes off of him. He is on his feet, applauding with everyone else. It is an especially incredible skate for the start of the season, having demanded some serious psychological and physical conditioning.

The scores take forever and when they come up at last, Javier stops smiling. His gaze is fixed on Yuzuru but he can’t see his expression from where he is sitting. He is gesticulating animatedly while saying something to Brian, Pooh-san clutched in his small hands.

Puzzled..? Upset..? Perplexed..?

Javier rushes to the exit immediately. He doesn’t stay to witness the victory ceremony. Suddenly, it becomes unbearable for him not to be on the podium next to Yuzuru.

Too painful, like a profusely bleeding wound.

They used to stand there together: Javier, Yuzuru and Keegan but those times are in the past now.

~~

Autumn cold wind is blowing hard and Javier’s cab is already parked near the entrance of the arena. He would like to be close to _him_ , would like to see _him_ beaming regardless of any circumstances. He would like to tickle _his_ ribs like in the good old days of their shared competitive glory.

“We have two more weeks,” whispers Javier with his freezing lips.

Fourteen days to revive the past, fourteen days to look in the face of the future.

Javier sends Yuzuru a message on his way back to hotel.

_“You are the best. Don’t you dare to think otherwise.”_

“Love you. Always,” he adds to himself.

_«Arigatou»_

Javier reads the single word in the reply, hopeful smile playing on his lips.


End file.
